When nothing’s quiet on the Western front…
If you read articles or books about infidelity, or if you are in any support groups for people affected by affairs, you’ve probably heard the term “D-Day” floating around.
For those in the military (or for people who don’t have affairs) when you hear D-Day it’s likely you’re thinking of June 6th, 1944, the day Allied forces crashed ashore in Normandy, France to face one of the hardest battles in history.
But there’s another D-Day that takes place in adulterous relationships, and that one includes an invasion and a battle, too.
D-Day can take you by surprise.
I was the Other Woman in my affair, and D-Day was a total shock to me.
My (then) affair partner had no plans whatsoever to tell his wife that he’d been in a romantic and sexual relationship with another woman for nearly a year.
We were happy in our secret love bubble. At least, I was – and at the time I was just fine with it staying that way.
I never asked him to separate from his wife, and I never asked him to divorce her (the first few years). I honestly wasn’t even asking him to tell her about us, because I convinced myself that once he told her, our affair would be over.
D-Day can be an explosive, world-altering time for a couple, and I doubt it’s fun for anyone.
For me, it came because my partner was tired of lying.
His ex-wife asked him a question, which ultimately led to him admitting the truth. He didn’t want to lie and hide parts of his life anymore, even if it meant losing me, and even if it meant losing his family.
If you are the cheater and/or the cheated on, D-Day is the day your partner finds out about your infidelity.
If you are the Other Woman, D-Day can be the most exciting, and most terrifying, day of your affair.
For me, it was both of those things.
I woke up to a text message saying only:
“She knows about us,” and then had to wait hours and hours and hours to find out what transpired.
Did she get angry, or sad?
Did she kick him out, or try to get him to stay?
Ultimately, she didn’t kick him out. He left of his own accord about seven months later, but in hindsight I wish she’d kicked him out because it would have made things a lot easier on everyone.
Instead, he stayed and tried to keep things amicable at home while he carried on with his relationship with me.
It was hard on everyone. It was hard on his wife and kids, waiting to find out whether he would stay, and it was hard on me, waiting to find out if he would leave.
He even deserves some credit because he was the one who, in the end, had to decide how he was going to continue living his life, because everyone of us could have decided his fate for ourselves.
D-Day was just as surprising to him as it was to his ex-wife.
I don’t necessarily think he ever would have told her had things not gone down so suddenly and unexpectedly.
He was one of the husbands who probably would have stayed in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life rather than rock the boat or blow it all to smithereens, but once the cat is out the bag, there’s no shoving it back in.
After D-Day, shit really gets real.
Everything is more intense after D-Day, for every affair relationship.
Knowing that the spouse knows about you puts a new sort of fear in your heart that if you are lucky, you’ve never felt.
It’s the fear hiding out in the back of your mind that asks you “Do you think she could hurt me? Like, physically hurt me?“
Of course I wondered that and wonder still.
I haven’t met her – yet – but if my relationship with him continues, I assume it will be inevitable, and yes, I will be scared that she will hurt me.
I am honestly surprised that she hasn’t reached out to take a stab at me even once in the last four years since she found out about us, because if I were in her shoes, I’d definitely would direct some anger at the Other Woman.
But I digress.
After D-Day, decisions have to be made. Decisions that you’ve been putting off have to be made, or they may be made for you without any consideration of how you will be impacted.
Some cheaters immediately get kicked out. They have their clothes torn to shreds and their cars lit on fire. They are shamed when their wives tell everyone about the affair, and paint the cheater as heartless and cruel.
Some cheaters are interrogated and berated and shamed and banished to the couch for an indeterminate amount of time, go to couples counseling, and ultimately fix things.
Some cheaters are so in love with their affair partner and so sick of their shitty marriage that they want their partners to know so they understand why they’re choosing to leave.
There are a lot of other ways these things go down, everyone’s affair story is different, but these are a few of the most common ways.
But for the Other Woman, sometimes, it can be the worst thing.
Decisions being made means your affair partner is at home hashing things out with his wife.
You have no idea what they’re talking about or how they are saying it.
You wait anxiously to hear the outcome of the D-Day confrontation, all the while thinking of the worst things that can happen – she’ll convince him to stay, she’ll threaten or shame or scare him into staying, she will guilt and shame him into staying, she’ll make her case and present all of the reasons he’s making a bad choice, and you know what?
He will probably choose to stay.
Most men do, I hear.
Most men choose to stay in unfulfilling or unhappy relationships, they choose to live with loneliness and rejection from their wives, they choose to keep the family intact to keep the kids as comfortable as they can be.
Are you excited or scared?
The only way you and your affair partner can avoid D-Day is if you decide to end things before telling or getting caught.
If not, and especially if you want your relationship to continue with your affair partner, D-Day is inevitable and necessary.
Knowing that it will eventually come won’t give you peace, it will only make you more anxious about it, because it’s the first big reckoning you and your affair partner will face.
How do you feel about D-Day?
Are you still waiting for it, or has it happened or you? If you’re past it and still with your affair partner, how do you feel now?