My name is Alison Mitchell, and for a few years, I was “the other woman”.
Do you think only bad people get into affairs – people who are cowardly, selfish, cruel, untrustworthy, and of poor character?
Well, they do.
But so does your sweet neighbor that you’ve lived next to for decades – she’s having an affair with your mailman.
And that woman who spent hours baking delicious cookies from scratch and brought them in to share at work – she’s been sleeping with the boss even though they’re both “happily” married with children.
And that handsome, charming family man who coaches your son’s soccer team, yes, he’s having an affair, too.
He could be having it with you.
He could be having it with your wife.
The point is, you don’t know until you do, whether any person would have an affair.
That’s sort of their nature to begin – they’re supposed to be kept secret.
And the truth about them is, they often take you by surprise no matter whether you’re the cheater, the cheated on, or the cheated with.
Not many people purposefully go out seeking a married person to have an emotional or sexual relationship with. Some do, and I’ll talk about those people eventually, but I’m willing to bet that most people who end up in affairs did not expect it or see it coming.
Most affair stories start with sad stories of relationships gone stale or sour over the years, and the affair is what brings the spark back to a person, what breathes new life into a body that was once cherished but how has been forgotten and ignored.
I think most people who get into affairs don’t do it proudly, but with a great and heavy shame.
When you are a person who takes part in an affair, you know you are doing something that is morally and ethically wrong.
If you’re cheating on your wife and having sex with someone else, you need to tell your wife and give her the respect and agency to decide to leave you if she wants to.
If you’re “the other” in the relationship, and know you’re stepping between two people who have their own dramatic history, you know what you’re doing is wrong and that you shouldn’t be doing it.
And yet…
There is nothing special about you or your situation.
At all.
It’s common.
In a survey of which countries cheat the most, the U.S. comes in first place, with a staggering 71% of people surveyed admitting to cheating.
That means considerably more than half of people in the U.S. have been cheating, cheated with, or been cheated on.
Media is rife with stories of infidelity to either entertain or horrify us, and the true cautionary tales are often ignored or overlooked, because really, who wants to watch their friend or family member go down like a sinking ship when infidelity impacts their lives?
All of that media though… it’s made for the people who were cheated on.
It’s sympathy for cheated-on and advice on how to heal.
It’s the stern but forgiving reminders of what the cheaters broke and what they need to do to atone for their sins.
It’s the therapy that couples do together to repair their marriage and move on with their lives.
There’s one thing glaringly missing, but I guess it’s only if you’re looking for it, and I’ve been looking hard.
Where’s the sympathy, and advice, and hope of healing for the other woman or the other man?
I know, I know, you’re probably scoffing and laughing and forwarding this to all of your friends to say “Oh Lordy, the audacity of this woman!” but hear me out.
The affairs aren’t just about you – you, the couple that’s been disrupted, you that’s been betrayed or was the betrayer in a relationship.
There’s a third party, too, remember?
People love to talk shit on the nasty women and men who pirate their partners away from them like thieves in the night, but no one ever wants to talk about those wayward pirates.
Like, ever.
We are left out of the history books once the affair ends and the wayward spouse goes home.
But we are legion.
There are at least as many of us as there are couples who’ve been affected by infidelity, and no one is telling our stories.
This is not a place for hate.
Save your negativity for your friends, family, or the myriad of websites and Facebook groups where you can connect with others who are angry.
If you want to waste your time being angry at us for thinking we deserve consideration as human beings, please do it somewhere else.
If your comments are negative, spiteful, hateful, aggressive, or otherwise ick, they will be deleted here.
Also, trust me. There’s nothing you can say to us that is nastier than what we’ve already told ourselves.
If you’re a big kid who can handle intelligent discourse in the comments without resorting to name-calling and accusations of “being a bad person”, be our guest and comment away. Maybe someone will answer, and some of us can learn from each other.